More Ragging Ideas to Keep You Entertained

 

This post is contributed by Kelly Kilpatrick, who writes on the subject of the online colleges. She invites your feedback at kellykilpatrick24[at]gmail dot com.

Sometimes the monotony of college life can hit you like a ton of bricks.  So, what should you do?  You could study, but that’s not always the best solution.  You’re not in the real world yet, so why not let the full spectrum of your immaturity shine on through?  Here are some great ragging ideas to keep you entertained—and the new guy looking for ways to get you back. 

  1. Water balloon to the crotch.  This is an oldie but goodie.  Simply throw a water balloon at the victim’s crotch when they are headed into class or any other important event.  No one will want to sit near the guy with incontinence problems, and you get the pleasure of pointing and laughing.
  1. Improved water balloon to the crotch.  Quite similar to the first, but far more humiliating.  Fill said water balloon with mayonnaise, and let the public’s imagination run wild.  Be prepared for retaliation. 
  1. Slip unexpected goodies into a schoolbag.  This can work out well, depending upon when the item is discovered.  Put a pocket vibrator or other sexual toy into target’s schoolbag.  Wait for them to unleash the madness, sit back, and enjoy the fruits of your devious labor.
  1. Point out an embarrassing feature to everyone.  If your mark has hairy ears, or any other embarrassing feature, start referring to him as “Ear Hair,” “Stinkfist,” or any number of embarrassing names to accompany his fragile ego.  See how many times you can call them by their new moniker before they really lose it.
  1. Two for flinching.  This is a new take on the childhood game.  When the object of your teasing flinches when you go at him with a fake punch to the gut or groin, you are allowed to actually punch them because they are a chicken shit coward.  Raise the bar by snapping at his crotch.  When he flinches (which he should, or you have other problems), not only can you punch him, but you get to use reverse-psychology and torment him for being a homosexual, even though you’re the one with your hand near his genitals.

Of course, these ideas are all in good fun and can be taken too far.  If you think your new “friend” is starting to get really annoyed with you, make fun of him unmercifully for not being man enough to take it.  That should be enough to keep him from reporting you for harassment, and you will be able to continue having fun all while being able to add new and improved things to this modest list.

On advertisements

New Delhi: Ravi Kumar, a resident of Delhi, has filed a PIL against false ads claiming that the ads were, well, false. (We do need better reporters)

“Ads are nothing but lies,” says Ravi. He says that like any sane Indian he believed in ads too. But then the truth hit him like a truck and he was never the same again.

“I saw this ad for underwear which promised that if you wore it girls would long for acts of a sexual nature with you. Being a true, red blooded, Indian male I immediately ran to the store and bought myself a dozen pairs (I believe in hygiene; you can never have too many pairs of underwear). I was all ready to do IT, man!

But then, a month later, I suddenly realised that I was still a virgin. Things were still the same. NOTHING had changed. It really got my goat, you know.”

Sexed up underwear ads, featuring hunky models, such as this one above, have misled many a young man.

Sexed up underwear ads, featuring hunky models, such as this one above, have misled many a young man.

At this point most ordinary men would have gone back to masturbation but Ravi was no ordinary man (although he admits that he did continue with masturbation, “sometimes”). So he took matters into his own hands and immediately went to court and after standing in queues for only three days, he filed a PIL against the sexy underwear company.

And because of Ravi’s brave and selfless act many more people such horror stories are coming to the fore.

“I too realised that ads were duping us,” says Sachin. “I mean look at these cola ads. Initially even I drank a lot of Pepsi to become popular and get a girlfriend like Deepika Padukone, but alas it was not to be. All it did was to make be fat! Now everyone in college makes fun of me … even the girls.”

Research has disproved the widely held notion that drinking certain brands of Cola increases your chances of bagging a good looking girl-friend.

Research has disproved the widely held notion that drinking certain brands of Cola increases your chances of bagging a good looking girl-friend.

The Times of Bullshit spoke to tens of people and they all has similar heart-wrenching stories of betrayal by advertisements.

“I must have eaten hundreds of Mentos but my prof. still catches my proxies in class,” says Sunil, an engineering student repeating his final year due to a shortage of attendance. “It’s all bullshit….bullshit,” he says.

Bomb blast leads to tension in area

Bangalore, 25 July: The Bangalore bomb blast was responsible for communal disturbances of a slightly different kind than normally seen. Usually it’s the people who lose it and start killing other people, but this time the Gods were themselves to blame.

Immediately after the bomb blasts the different gods started arriving to claim the souls to add to their already swollen kitties, what with the earthquake in China and the Cyclone in Myanmar. However there were certain disagreements between the holy entities about the souls to be claimed which lead to arguments.

Eyewitnesses claim that the Jehovah, the Jewish God arrived first. This claim can be corroborated as there were no Palestinian suicide attacks that day in Israel, thus Jehovah would have been free. However He had to go back empty handed as there were no Jews killed, say bystanders, grumbling about being disturbed for no reason.

Yama, Allah and Jesus arrived soon after and got to work sorting out the souls. Disagreements arose between Yama and Allah when it came to the soul of a gentleman named Munaf Patel with each claiming him for his own kitty. Allah kept on pointing out the fact that his first name was Munaf and Yama that his last name was Patel. However Jesus had the last laugh when it turned out that a missionary had converted Patel to Christianity a few days back.

“It’s a tough job this,” said Jesus, beaming from ear to ear, “but it’s gotta be done,” while looking out for crosses on people’s necks.

Yama was extremely busy with his load being the highest.”Yes, I agree with Mr. Christ there. It’s a tough job but after millions of years you do get used to. But the jobs keep on changing; it’s never static. Earlier we never used to touch the souls of Dalits. Now they have 22.5% of the space reserved for them in Heaven,” said the Hindu God of death who claims to be a great follower of Gandhi.”His method was the best – Non-violence, which means less loss of life which in turn means less work for me.”

Allah on the other hand was using a superman like X-ray vision to look for circumcisions.”It speeds up the job,” He said.”It’s too much of a bother to look for IDs, really. With what’s happening in Iraq and Afghanistan I can hardly afford to waste time.”

The Devil arrived on the scene too, but a little late.”Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins and since I am the Devil I have to be sinful you know,” explained Lucifer.”Oh, call me Lucy, no need to be so formal now,” he laughed.

”I have more souls than all of them combined, “grinned Lucifer, err, Lucy, pointing to Allah, Yama and Jesus,” and nowadays I’m doing record business. I’ve never had it this good since the holocaust”

“This business has its ups and downs,” reminisces the Devil.”People die a lot later than they used to earlier, but there are the odd bright sparks. For example I almost couldn’t believe my luck when terrorists attacked parliament. Imagine all those evil politicos, all mine, “said ‘Lucy’ with a typical Amrish Puri/Gabbar singh laugh.”Sigh! But it was not to be, and so I have to be satisfied with these measly pickings at terrorist bombings.”

 

This post has been plagiarised from something I wrote after the Jaipur blasts. With the frequency with which blasts occur in our country, I really can’t come up with something new all the time.

Ragging Tools: Alternative Strap on Dildo

Now aren't you lucky that this pic isnt loading

Now aren't you lucky that this pic isnt loading

This just gets better and better. I think pretty soon I’ll need to develop a section, dedicated purely to ragging tools. So what are ragging tools? Harmless things we evil sinister and pathetic guys use to scare the crap outta young hairy boys who have just entered the vicinity of a college.

And today’s ragging tool is….is…well…seriously I don’t even WANT to know what this thing is called? But I am fucking certain that the gentleman who made this was on dope. However, this is PRECISELY thing that would scare the living day lights out of any freshman. Hell, this thing would scare the living daylights out of anyone. So upfront( pun intended).

So one guy gets to wear it and the other guy gets the lollipop and next round there is a role reversal. Obviously, we would only ask the kids to suck on it, probably give them a choice of jam or butter to apply to before, or for the added kick, even supply pickle so that they could really Chak de India.

More Reservation!

Remember those annoying trigonometry theorems from class 10? Well, today we’re going to prove that Arjun Singh is an asshole and that Sonia Gandhi is a dildosucker.

First of all, why the fuck should there be quotas for SCs, STs and OBCs in the teaching faculty of the IITs? And you thought they did it to help create an ‘equal society’? Man, the general elections are coming. Now, not only is Arjun ‘assface’ Singh’s harebrained directive destroying the some of the best central universities in the country, it is polarizing society. My source in IIT Kharagpur tells me that when the dudes there came out on the streets in protest over the OBC quota issue earlier this year, some of them were surprised when some guys among them made derogatory comments about SCs, STs and OBCs. The same followed in debates on reservation in corridors and common rooms.

“I’m not willing to breathe the same air as these people.”

“They are untouchables.”

“They are niggers.”

Well, thank you Moraji Desai, thank you V.P. Singh, thank Arjun singh, and, thank you Sonia Gandhi for creating this bitter divide in the Indian social fabric.

It’s the nation’s misfortune that Arjun ‘tiny dick’ Singh is the central HRD minister at a time when India’s economic and cultural sphere of influence is taking the shape of something which is both extensive and definitive. On one hand you have Syria asking for an IIT on its soil and on the other you have the prospect of 49.5 per cent of faculty seats in the IITs being reserved for people who won’t be able to teach anyone jackshit!

Anyway, won’t Syria have to set up a Mandal Commission before they can have an IIT on their soil? 49.5 per cent seats for Palestinian refugees, Kurds and Armenians? Nah, the govt is too busy setting up the eight new IITs (yeah it was seven but then they added another at Indore) that it doesn’t have time right now for such delicate foreign policy matters. Besides, we have already deferred/refused Singapore’s request for an IIT. Interestingly, in Singapore, if you think about it, the OBC group would comprise of Tamil immigrants and Malay people. Hehe.

On a more serious foreign policy note, there’s this thing called the Washington Accord to which India is a provisional signatory, as opposed to being a member signatory, which is something India would like in the future.

Why? This accord recognizes degrees from IITs and BITS Pilani as degrees of high international standard, at par with MIT, Oxford and Sorbonne. With the impending dilution of standards in the IITs, it may so happen that BITS Pilani will become India’s soler representative in this international club, as the IITs may simply get kicked out because of bad faculty and sagging infrastructure.

All this for winning the next general elections, eh, Mrs. Gandhi? But history shows that reservations haven’t helped any party in the polls, ever. The OBC reservations in the IITs didn’t stop the BJP from taking Karnataka.

But then we don’t know what sweeping insecurity Sonia Gandhi is suffering from. It’s an open secret that she controls the Union govt by remote control and so it’s not hard to imagine her asking Arjun ‘likes dick’ Singh to introduce yet another sweeping quota to paint over the lack of people’s confidence in the central govt after its shoddy handling of the nuclear deal issue so far.

But then, Arjun ‘Old Delhi Whore’ Singh has been in a lot of shit of late. So instead, the Congress led Maharashtra govt has suddenly decided to enforce an obscure law which reserves 70% of all seats in every college in Maharashtra for students from the district it is located in. If Sonia and Vilasrao Deshmukh thought that this would yield electoral benefits, well, they had their faces up their asses. An NCP Corporator from Thane has filed a PIL against the order. I’m sure he sees a constituency somewhere, because I sure can. Hell, all the Mumbai colleges are being silently overrun by the full spectrum of political outfits in preparation for any upheaval which may happen over this issue, or to spark off some fight and then divide the political benefits. Already there’s tension between dudes from Mumbai Suburban who are worried if they are going to get into the colleges in Mumbai Proper and the rich kids from South Mumbai who are pleasantly happy for the govt order and not so much on the court stay on the admission process.

So what do you know children. Don’t you think I’ve conclusively proved that Arjun Singh is an asshole and that Sonia Gandhi is a dildosucker?

Toilet Humour: Get paid to pee!

Here’s something one doesn’t encounter everyday.

In an obscure little town called Musiri (yes, not Mussourie) in Madrasi Territory, history took place. Now all of us have seen graffiti on walls saying “Don’t Urinate Here” in size 100 font, yet one can smell the fragrance of fresh (or decayed) nectar from the urethra circulating, like an epidemic. Now after endless hours and crores of rupees spent on strategic planning, the authorities seem to have finally found a  better solution.

Pay the people.

Let me let that thought sink in(bad pun, yes I know). The government is going to pay the commoners. To piss. From their dick.

However, what is almost (I dare not use the word equally) amusing as the story is that it was published on one of the Reuters’ blog named India: A billion aspirations. Perspectives on South Asian politics (?????!!!!!). While articulation is an important prerequisite for a journalist, Bappa Majumder whor wrote the piece opens new vistas saying:

In India, a drive to ensure cleanliness in streets for a week or so is a common exercise, but people often forget such drives in a hurry and the street corners are suddenly smelling again and people using handkerchiefs and sometimes masks to cover their nose.

I guess the officials will be opening the celebratory tharra (local wine) bottles for their master plan seems to have worked instantly. The monetary benefit attached might just turn out to be the tipping point of India’s public hygenic success. Don’t believe me? Let’s quote the Reuters report again:

Dozens of people are queuing up to use toilets in Musiri, a remote town in Tamil Nadu state, where authorities are succeeding in keeping street corners clean with the new scheme.

And obviously, all this finally contributes to a noble cause. The urine is being taken to Tamil Nadu’s Agricultural University for sampling and determining how kickass a crop fertilizer does this have a potential to become. Clearly, there is no (im)purer way to give back to Mother India.

But hey, the real party is in the comments section where the homeboys are out there having a gala time expressing their views.

[…]LET US MAKE IT HAPPEN . JAIHIND
Balasubramaniam T

True, using uppercase does emphasise a point. But which one?

And then there’s this

Certainly, this is a very thoughtful initiative. But people must realise that this is being done for restoring cleaniless in the city and is not a channel for earning money. Afterall, for how long will the authorities go on giving money to these people.

Nupur

Yes, Nupur, we all also realise after reading your comment that this is indeed done to tell these rural people to piss in the appropriate piss bowls and not an effective method for the upliftment for Below Poverty Line junta. Clearly, giving them a buck a day to take a leak will drill the ill effects of pissing in random street corners into their head.

But the smartest comment award goes to this guy

what if they are just faking for the sake of money??

-Ajan

Indeed what if they are. The news item says that the villagers are earning a dollar a month, so tats around 1.4 rupees a day, and assuming that the person is visiting the public toilets around 2-3 times a day, this implies that  the authorities are paying a little more than 50 paisa per trial.

Now what I want to know is that, is there a way of authenticating the process of urinating?  Sensors? Homies checking over your shoulder?

And lets say for arguments sake that the necessary provisions have been provided to validate the process. Would it be economically feasible to drink so much water, just to facilitate urinating? For water costs much more than that🙂

And this is supposed to be a toilet in rural TN? Fuck you!

And this is supposed to be a toilet in rural TN? Fuck you!

And the icing on the cake? This is the image that accompanied the news item.

Arrey jab chootiyapa hi karna hai toh dhang se karo bhaiyya

This is supposedly the above mentioned toilet in rural Tamil Nadu. In Musiri. You get to use 50 paisa to use this.

Dude! ITC doesn’t have such cool lavatories. Clearly, its been lifted from flickr or somewhere. And hell naw is that girl a tamilian!

Introducing…

Hullo there my diligent children! This is Grandmaster Muhaha, the chief advice dispenser for all of Bharatmata’s kids who are anxious to get their asses out of school and into college. I’m the one who  tells you which college to pick out of the mind boggling spectrum of choices. I’m the one who tells you how to survive ragging when you get in, because college isn’t all that harmless. I’m the one who helps you channel your angst against the system into something fulfilling and worthwhile. I’m the one who tells you where to get weed and how to throw a real Indistyle college bachelor party. I’m the one who teaches you the moves and gets you laid, even if you’re a pathetic dork whose closest brush with sex has been gawking at ream after ream of the exploits of a bold housewife called Savita.

If you think I’m a new dude on the block, you’re mistaken. I’ve been around here for ages. MAN ON THE MOON and me are like Big Boi and Andre 3000. Even on this blog, I’ve been working with my homeboy for weeks now, trying to tighten up every line, just to be able to reach that level of EPIC DEPTH.

And those of you who don’t believe that me and MAN ON THE MOON are just here to entertain and educate, you’re fucking right. As if we want you kids to learn while you’re playing with us, bhenchod. You’re right. We have a radical agenda. We want all you kids who are getting into college this year to leave behind the rules of right and wrong which you’ve burdened yourself with all these years. Breathe freely. Absorb. Rebel. Make your own rules. Don’t stereotype anything. Do everything. Thrash Metal. Hardcore Gangsta Rap. The best weed from Himachal. Girls. Boys. Everything. Experiment. Live. And if you’re lucky enough to end up at the university me and my moonboy call home (we aren’t telling you where yet) we can teach you how to let yourself out and let it all in. Greetings. We bring knowledge.

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